How old was he?

He was 42, and I was 35.

The interesting thing was that he wasn't asking. This was about the time Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book, On Death and Dying, came out. I got to meet her and have lunch with her. I was sitting in the hospital and an intern invited me to join their group. What the interns wanted to know was what it was like to be a survivor with someone who was dying. The reward was for to me to get to meet her. She gave a speech after she had met me, and from the podium she announced that she had just met a young woman, [me] who wanted to make a difference.

I had a lot of questions for her about what I should do about the kids. That Christmas she sent me a card saying that I was her Christmas gift. Her advice was to get the kids to the hospital as quickly as possible. The youngest one who was 8 said she wanted to go. All of them helped decorate the tree, but only the youngest wanted to go. The older ones were afraid. Later one of my teens went to see my husband; she actually went alone. It seemed she regretted it. The shock of seeing him that way was hard, but she already knew he was dying. I tried to open doors for my kids, but I supported them if they didn't want to go through the doors.

Later, my 11-year-old son started developing migraines and thought he had a brain tumor too. He told me, "I should have gone to see dad."

I replied, "I offered that to you, but I support you in that decision, and I think you made the right choice." I tried to take away some of his guilt. There were no books to advise people in my situation.

Did you have any support from your extended family?

We were in Virginia, and they were in Minnesota, so there wasn't a lot of physical support, but they gave me emotional support on the phone.

What can people do whose friend has a family member dying?

Be up front. Tell them, "I don't know what you're going through--guide me; tell me what I can do for you. If you'd like to talk about it, I'd like to hear. If you'd like to get away from it and go to a movie, that's fine too. If you're getting behind in school and need me to help you catch up, I can do that."

One of the teens I counsel had a "Help me catch up with my homework" party. So it was a party with a purpose. The kids who came, helped her, and they stayed on track. The teen and I had come up with that idea. One thing I do is to help kids identify problems. She told me she was having trouble getting caught up with her homework. Then we talked to her mother, who said it had to be a serious party. She was glad she did it.

It's also good to give your friend a copy of a book to help when going through a death or the dying process of a loved one. My books each have a fairly detailed table of contents, so that the reader can skip to the parts that are most relevant for him or her at the time.