A voice, a name, echoed through my brain, taking hold of my
thoughts. "Don't be afraid Lauren. I'm here beside you." Thats what she
would tell me. Sometimes I can almost feel her breath as she whispers, but
like all things of her, its just an illusion. I could feel her pull her
soul closer. To my surprise she didn't tell me how much she loved me or no
matter what she would always be there. She just shrieked.
I woke to find my pillow soaked again. Sweat and tears made my
face shine in the moonlight that peeked through the blinds. My mother
haunted my dreams again. For thirteen years I've lived, fourteen in a few
months. Since age eight, I've had to fall asleep with tears on my face,
longing for my mother's soft, gentle voice. Her voice, I could barely hold
to what her voice sounded like. I turned my body over and felt blindly for
the radio's POWER button. A low, slow tune broke the silence. My mothers
favorite song filled the speakers. My mind became lost in the words, and
slowly drifted back to the Thanksgiving of '94.
It wasn't too cold, and not too cloudy. Almost beautiful from the
hospital window. I sat on the cold tile floor, coloring in a coloring book.
My family wasn't too happy about my mother having to spend the next day,
Thanksgiving, in her uncomfortable hospital bed. I finish my picture and
looked up at my grandmother.
"Why can't we spend Thanksgiving here with Momma?" My grandmother
just smiled, I never got my answer. A rush of cold air filled the room. I
spent the whole day in that cold hospital. Soon it was time to go. My dad
held me up to say good bye to my mother. She slowly opened her eyes to look
at me. Her skin was tinted purple, but she acted like it didn't bother her.
To this day I'm sure it did. She shed a light shower of tears as I looked
at her. "Don't cry Momma! I'll be back tomorrow!" She smiled and kissed me
good bye. My dad gave me a hug and told me ride home with my aunt, he was
going to stay with Momma tonight. I grinned because my aunt drove real
fast, and I really enjoyed it. That night I slept in my parents bed.
Nestled deep beneath the sheets I worried about something a nurse said. Her
shrill voice faded away as I slipped into dreams. The next morning Dad woke
me up early. I asked what was the matter and all he did was take me up in
his arms.
"Momma died in her sleep this morning." I couldn't do anything but
cry. My heart was crushed beneath the weight of such an announcement. My dad
left me alone with myself. The night of my mother's death, I had been so
tired, I fell asleep forgetting to pray. I blamed her loss of life on that,
and around that my mind built a pit. My care free soul was sucked in, and
since hasn't escaped. At times it would peek out through the darkness of
pain and loss, but would never be freed of its shackles of guilt.
The song ended and I could feel even more tears streaking my face.
I asked God why he had taken away a mother, a child, a sister, and a lover.
His answer was that a child would be born without a guardian angel. He told
me how selfish I had been to ask him to let his child suffer more just for
my pleasure. I understood but that didn't stop me from wanting her back. As
she fought her battle with cancer, she taught me to be strong, but
sometimes that teaching fades away when her memory enters my brain."I'm
here beside you." That sentence I would hear at the end of every dream. A
second song started up as I remembered the first dream I dreamed without my
mother breathing.
I sat on our front step crying. I was no longer eight, but four. I
wore a purple sweatshirt that looked exactly like one of my moms. She
appeared out of nowhere, wearing the matching sweat suite to mine. She
smiled sweetly and dried my tears. We started talking about things. Hours
passed and finally my dad called from the inside of the house. My mother
smiled and held my hands.
"Whenever you want to talk, I'm right here. I'll always hear you no
matter what." I let go of a tear and turned to go into the house.
"Remember, I'm here beside you."
The song hit a high note, bringing my mind back to reality I had
never told my mother good bye, but deep in my heart I know that wasn't only
a dream. God had bent the rules and let me tell my mother how much I missed
her and the final good bye. I still hadn't stopped crying, I didn't want
to. I wanted to cry away all my fears and pain, but that was the type of
pain that would last till I see my mother again in heaven.
