It is a dark and cold night. Snow is falling gently outside
of a downtown restaurant. In the office of the manager is the
manager (Salt Shaker Eye) sitting with his face to the wall, and
two henchmen (Rufo and Jake) on either side of him.
A chemical delivery boy enters the restaurant carrying a
box. He is greeted by the busboy, John Check.
Chemical Delivery Boy-while reading the name off of
the box. Hello. You aren't a Mr. Sal Shaker, are you?
John Check-smoothly. Sorry. The name is Check,
John Check. Points to back of restaurant. You probably
want to see the manager. He's up in his office. carries away a
bus tub.
CDB goes to back of restaurant and climbs stars
to get to the manager's office.
CDB enters the office
CDB-Chemical delivery for Mr. Sal Shaker. Puts box
onto the manager's desk.
Salt Shaker Eye-slowly. That's me.
CDB-suspiciously. Say, what do you want all this
cyanide for anyway?
SSE-slowly, while stroking a teddy bear (Mr. Teddy
Weddy). You shouldn't ask that. Turns around revealing
face with a salt shaker cap in his right eye.
CDB-surprised. Dude! What happened to your eye?!
SSE-nonchalantly. I was injured in a tragic table
busing accident. Looks up at CDB. The cap of a salt shaker
became lodged in my eye. Points to his eye.
CDB stands there dumbfounded.
SSE-sighing. And as for the cyanide, pause, well,
I plan on substituting all the salt in this restaurant with sodium
cyanide. Laughs evilly. ÊPity though.
CDB-in shock. What?!
SSE-coldly. It seems I have told you too much.
Snaps fingers. Rufo, Jake, dispose of him.
The two henchmen carry CDB out of the office.
Narrator-John Check having gone upstairs to pick up
his tips from the manager's office overheard the conversation.
John Check stands with his ear against the outside
wall of the manager's office.
JC-Oh my goodness! I'll have to tell M about this evil
diabolical plot!
Fades away to Bond style music theme "He's a really devious
guyHe's Salt Shaker Eye." John Check and M are sitting in M's
office.
Narrator-In order to save the patrons of the restaurant
busboy John Check, employee number 007 rushed to M's house to
tell him of the diabolical plot.
JC-The new manager wants to kill all the people in
the restaurant by putting sodium cyanide into the salt.
M-authoritatively. Well 007, you're just going
to have to stop him. smiles. Why don't you go see Q, I
believe he has some new gadgets for you.
In a garage laboratory John Check speaks with Q.
Q-Hello 007, while you were talking to M I took the
liberty of modifying your car.
JC and Q walk to JC's car.
Q-scientifically. Here we have what appears to
be an ordinary police radar detector. In actuality, it is the
controller to launch a pair of stinger missiles located behind
your headlights.
JC-befuddled. How did you get stinger missiles?
Q-seriously. I ordered them from the Sears Catalog.
Now pay attention 007.
Fades away to the back entrance to the restaurant
JC sneaks up to the back door and begins to pick
the lock.
Inside restaurant
Rufo-I'm gonna go out and get some fresh air.
Rufo opens the back door into JC, knocking
JC unconscious.
Inside of the restaurant JC lies passed out in a
booth. ÊSSE and Rufo stand over him (camera is
blurry).
SSE-sharply. Rufo, wake him.
Rufo slaps JC and the camera focuses as JC
regains consciousness.
SSE-slyly. Good evening Mr. Check, it seems that
you have stumbled upon my secret operation.
JC-bravely. You'll never get away with this Salt
Shaker Eye!
SSE-menacingly. Oh, It's only a matter of time
Mr. Check. Perhaps you would like something to eat while you are
waiting. slides a plate with a hamburger on it in front of JC.
ÊHow about a hamburger, puts salt on it, seasoned with
cyanide. Laughs evilly.
JC-disgusted. What, you expect me to eat this?
SSE-pleased with himself. No Mr. Check. I expect
you to die. Laughs evilly. Goodbye Mr. Check. Walks
away.
Rufo grabs the hamburger and JC's neck, trying
to force JC to eat it. JC struggles and wins, forcing
the hamburger into Rufo's mouth. ÊRufo dies.
JC-wittily, while standing over the body of Rufo.
Mmm mmm good.
JC walks to the front of the restaurant where he
sees Jake.
Jake-What happened to Rufo?
JC-wittily. He ate a hamburger. ÊDon't you know
that red meat is bad for you?
Jake pounds his fist into his hand. JC and
Jake fight. JC judo chops Jake and slams
his head into the ice cooler. JC walks to the back of the
restaurant and finds SSE.
SSE-feeling an impending sense of doom. What happened
to Jake?
JC-wittily. He got a little hot headed so I put
him on ice.
SSE-with salt shaker cap now in his left eye.
Well, that's no matter, because I'm still going to get away.
JC-a little confused. Hey, wait a minute, wasn't
that--Points to eyes indicating confusion in the switch of
the location of the salt shaker cap. Never mind that, I'm
going to make sure that you don't get away.
SSE bolts out of the back of the restaurant and gets
into his car. JC follows him out and gets into his car.
JC chases SSE for a short time and corners him.
SSE spins his car around and charges at JC, but
JC fired the stinger missiles at SSE's car. SSE's
car blows up. JC gets out of his car and is immediately
surrounded by beautiful women telling how brave he is. A salt
shaker cap falls to the pavement and spins as it hits the ground.
The camera fades to black.
